What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 02:05
He resisted the act ,that day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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What did i know ?
And i lived it daily.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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It was going to be , some day.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Was to survive, this bastard.
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
This is soul school!.
Fuga eaque dolorum deserunt omnis velit.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I have no regrets .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My life is so biszare .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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Comes on , in middle age.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So whats the point in blame.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She married twice! .
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was in good health!
But, we were locked up after school.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im still living with it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
When she asked me how she looked .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I don,t even have a pension.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I think the readers, may guess!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was seconnd youngest,
But it wasn’t much.
I was scared of men, in general
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Ive learnt so much.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We all went to grammer schools
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She found it foreign!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My family never makes their pension either.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why did i forgive my father ?
I could never make a relationship work though!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Put me off passion for life!!
Who then, do I blame.?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I will be 64.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I waited trembling.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Would this be the day?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He knew the spot.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was 9 years of age.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I couldn’t, believe it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
All the time i was locked up.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was very sick at this time too.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I said to her
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She loved him until the end.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So, i spoilt her more .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Especially a lifetime of it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We were not on the streets..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She wouldn,t have been !
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I write beautiful poetry .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One cannot live in the past .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..